Dating emo rawr you are

Recently I've been confronted with a relationship issue that I thought could never be circumvented, and would eventually lead to a nasty breakup between myself and my beloved. The issue lies in an important characteristic of personality:

Seriousness. He ocassionally wears a frown when I feel he should be smiling. By the way, I am always correct and my feelings are facts. I am an omniscent deity.

So hear me out... there are plenty of girls in the world who enjoy dancing naked in front of mirrors singing to Cher. Sometimes a wild, fancy-free girl like this will find herself tethered to a man who is very grounded in his ways-- a man who simply cannot understand how anyone derives satisfaction from spontaneity. This type of man is showing symptoms of what most** doctor's call the Mr. Grumpy Gills syndrome. (**In Canada, the title translates into "For the love of god LAUGH.) A man with Mr. Grumpy Gills syndrome (MGGS) feels tired, annoyed, stressed, and frustrated during times when normal, unaffected people feel gleeful and happy. MGGS is often confused with Emo Kid Hates His Life syndrome, but MGGS lacks the failed attempts at suicide and tight girl pants studded with rhinestones, symptoms of an emo kid in need of a serious skull-punch.

I know what you are thinking. MGGS sounds terrifying and completely incurable. That's because it is. But for five easy payments of $29.95, I will send you my DVD and book series that will show you how to deal with your overly-serious boyfriend. Some of my most popular tips include:

#1. Smothering Yourself. When you feel like saying something to your MGGS affected boyfriend that any normal person would think is funny, take a pillow, place it over your face, and talk all you want. This way, he remains oblivious to the fact that he has a witty girlfriend, something an MGGS patient would seriously oppose to having.

#2. Smothering Him. If he hears you through the pillow, he will want to say something in MGGS frustration. Place the pillow over his face, and let him deliver his angry comment into its fluffy, accepting cotton filling, and then both of you can go on watching the movie in harmony.

#3. Block him. Boyfriends affected with MGGS never use any form of emotion on AIM. This can lead to misinterpretation and frustration on the girlfriend's end. (ex. "Coquettish_Kat: I want to eat your brains. ... Cake46: you're gross. no.") In the example, the girlfriend was being spontaneous and the boyfriend, in real life, was accepting her spontaneity and laughed out loud, but in AIM life, he neglected to type 'lol'. MGGS sufferers are stupid this way and should be forgiven. Or blocked. Blocking is far easier and requires no effort.

#4. Buy a falcon. If you feel like your humane attempts at dealing with his illness are failing, become the proud owner of a falcon. Train it to react with violence at mumbled comments from your mate. (Other creatures can be used as well, so long as their attack-strength is medium, or keeps him alive but writhing on the floor, bleeding profusely.)

#5. Talk to him about it. If you feel his seriousness is still overwhelming, confront him. Ask him why he is upset. Tell him to confide in you his troubles. Give him a hug and understand that he is tired or hungry or upset at his family life. Realize that you aren't omniscent.

That's right folks. Five payments of $29.95 and the series can be yours.